I’ve had to take some time out these past few weeks. Overwhelming stress and anxiety due to wedding plans, work, family, and the almighty money got too much for me and I crashed. Avoided social media, messages, eye contact of any kind. I put it all down to boredom or being cooped up in the house while everyone was on holiday. I couldn’t afford a holiday this year because every penny spare goes on the wedding at the moment. With mounting bills and time closing in, I wasn’t feeling excited, I was feeling fearful.
As it was the summer holidays, I did my best to be creative with our time out. We did many walks to the park which after a while was too predictable. Usually resulted in us hunting Pokemon on the app just to get out for ten minutes. We tried crafts, which in the end broke my hoover from all the glitter and bits of paper. Cash I couldn’t really afford to spend on a hoover with wedding bills looming nearer. We had pamper evenings, even with my son! I would fish out some face masks that were laying around, we would drink squash in fancy glasses and watch a film I recorded on the Sky box last Christmas. Good ‘ol fashioned board games came out to play and I destroyed the kids in Guess Who! We baked, we cooked, and we coloured. I did the best I could to make something of the six weeks holidays with all the above. After about a week, we were bored again.
Occasionally, I popped on Facebook to see how the world was ticking over. Sadness and jealousy stewed in my stomach as I viewed peoples holiday snaps or their hashtag #makingmemories where kids were den building in the garden or drawing in the sand of a beach on a day trip. Once again, feeling the crushing sense of failure that I let my family down because of something I wanted, the wedding.
No matter how many times I kept telling myself, I’ve done my best or next year will be better. I still had this feeling. I kept waking up in the night at first, then soon couldn’t fall asleep at all. If I was terrified my kids would grow up resenting me, I feared I would be made homeless. There are no logical reasons for this.
Last week I had a dream. Summed up, I was looking in the mirror of a public toilet when one of my teeth came out whole. I looked at the tooth then opened my mouth to find the inside was covered in a black sticky muck and parasites.
Waking up in a fright and knowing dreams about teeth falling out have a specific meaning, I conducted a trusty internet search. Upon researching the meaning, I found that the most common depiction is a fear of getting old, less attractive and less feminine. It also can mean a fear of making a fool of yourself and/ or feeling powerless in a situation.
All of these rang true. It shook me up enough to where I had to reach out and have a chat. I had to voice these fears in the hopes that someone would be able to guide me through my cloudy head. Because of this, I felt like a hypocrite. How could I write about succeeding through dark times, when I was falling into a dark time and struggling to climb out?
I would hope that by being open and writing about the downs as well as the ups would give me that vocal release and in turn help someone else who might be falling into a place they climb out of easily. I am finding that facing the fears I created in my head, doesn’t have the outcome I would predict. A few seconds of uncomfortable feelings followed by awesome relief is worth it. Things are falling into place again, although I’m still a bucket of stress. These times will always be a part of me. It’s something I have managed myself through the methods that work best and I will start by not comparing myself to others out there.
Should you find yourself feeling this way at any point, it’s best to speak to your doctor about your concerns. They will be able to discuss all options available so you can choose which one would work for you. There is no shame in medication but if that’s not your thing there are many other therapies out there which aren’t pharmaceutical that are also very effective. Yoga, exercise, holistic therapies, counselling, etc. There is no shame in talking.
I’ll be back next week!
DeAnna’s (Blue Chameleon blog series) Focuses on rebuilding self-confidence after suffering through difficult times. DeAnna lives in Cambridge, England with her family, cats and dog. She credits a portion of happiness to her partner, Pete, punctuation manager, chief tea maker, and bringer of toast.